I'm sure some people sleep at night, but it seems I have forgotten how to. I thought maybe today I would get things on a decent schedule, but as it turns out, 4 hour naps until 8 something p.m. do not help in this whole sleeping at night thing. And so here I am... "It's 4:03 and I can't sleep" and I mean that quite literally, it's 4:03 a.m. Now, maybe if I was productive with my use of time at all hours of the night I wouldn't mind so much that I'm nocturnal. But lately I've been lazy and just watch Hulu until my brain rots (just like the commercial) or maybe the alien one... anyway. So I think if I'm going to be up late anyway I should make better use of my time. Like, I could clean the apartment. Or I could finish crafts I have started and yet to have finished. Or I could finish that book I've been reading for almost two weeks now and just can't seem to finish (I think I'm afraid to see how it ends, or where it leaves off is more like it. There's a character in there that I really just want to yell at for being so stupid but it's no use obviously. I just hate when people do stupid things... like hide scary monsters who just tried to kill your bff because they are the sons of her arch nemesis, sigh). But I think one reason I don't do anything (not that it's a good reason) is because I think if I start doing something then I won't get tired and go to bed, that I'll get distracted and stay up all night. Only it's now that I'm realizing that I stay up all night anyway no matter if I'm doing things or not. So my goal is to make better use of my time.
On another note, I went to work today. I worked a lunch shift. It was a nice ease in to the world of work. But it was nice to get out of the house and actually do something productive. I think it's good for my mental health. And I'm working again on Monday, although that will be an 8 hour shift at 6:30 am, egh. I worked in an elementary school today. And it seems like everytime I do I find myself wanting to go back to school. I wish I had known more about myself at 19 as I do now. Then maybe I would know what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, I love photography and all, but sometimes there are other things I love. And I never thought I would love kids, but it turns out that I do. So if I ever go back to school I want to be one of two things. 1. Elementary school Art teacher. Or 2. A school librarian. But maybe I would have the same problem with these as everything else. I love everything a little bit, but nothing a lot. I love to try new things and do new things. I don't like to stick to anything. And maybe I would try it and decide I hate it or am sick of it, that it's not really what I want to be doing. I wish I knew. And I wish I had more guts to actually do something about it. And I wish I had even more to actually stick with it and not give up because I'm scared of failing. I'm afraid to do things and stick with things. If I never put my all into anything, I don't have to see how bad I am at things. I'm good at being mediocre. It's a talent that I have practiced and perfected. Although really, I should get some real talents, but again this is hard with my problem.
And these are things I'm realizing and accepting about myself. I hear though that you first have to recognize you have a problem before you can fix it. So another goal is to actually try and be good at something, not just mediocre. Finding that thing though is the hard part.
And now I've bored everyone with yet another ridiculously long post about the musings I have at all hours of the morning. I'll have to post some pictures or something to make up for it. I think there is too much text on my blog at the moment :)
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2 comments:
I'm the queen of dabbling. I try out things, find that I like them, do them for a short period of time, then quit. Thus, I too am a master of being mediocre. You can think of it as being cultured (to have a wide variety of experience and interests)! I agree that college is wasted on the young. Who actually knows what they want to be when they are 20 years old?! My degree served its purpose for a couple of years, but the nursing profession doesn't really suit me - WAY too high stress (the whole "accidentally killing people" thing...) Besides, anytime I consider going back to work, I end up getting pregnant again, go figure.
Well there's an equally long comment for your post, and I don't have the excuse of it being in the middle of the night.
Yeah, I'm a binger with my activities too. I'll get excited about something and do it a whole lot for a couple weeks, then get bored and go on to something else. I can't imagine working a job where I had to do the same thing for hours every day. That kind of work would not be good for my mental health. And it's hard to go to bed and wake up at reasonable hours when you don't have a pressing responsibility forcing you to. I always stunk at it- lack of self discipline or something. Even now, with 4 kids, I never get to bed early.
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