Post note that's going before my post: I was going to give a warning that this was yet another one of my late night deep thought posts and to tell those who don't want to read it, not to read it. But I suppose that I should quit apologizing for my writing in my blog, because it is that, MY blog. And those who don't care aren't reading it anyway. And so from hence forth, I shall write whatever I feel with no apologies or explanations. Onto the original blog post.
So I after looking for a bit of information I decided to read some of my old blog posts, from my original blog I had when I was in high school and the first year or so of college. And now Tim McGraw and me are BFF. I guess at different times of your life different songs mean different things. But the line in Red Ragtop just keep coming to me, "I can't remember who I was back then". All about making mistakes and love lost and growing up and realizing you're not the same person. Which reminds me of the Garth Brooks Song, Unanswered prayers, and being so thankful that I never got what or who I wanted in high school. I guess I didn't think I had changed that much. I sometimes still think of myself as that angsty teenager who was depressed and hated everything. But the truth is I've grown up a lot. I by no means think I'm grown up or a full on adult, I don't know if people ever feel completely like that. But I am not 16, or 17, or 18 anymore. I've come to terms with life and what it has dealt me (not too mention all the crap I brought upon myself). I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling or what the point is or even why it matters. I guess mostly we just grow up so slowly that we don't really notice. But then there are nights like tonight when just a little thing, like reading an old journal can show us how much we have changed. I mean, I know I'm older, graduated from college, married, have a job, have a place of our own. I can see those changes, I can see myself becoming an adult. But I guess all of those were physical or concrete things. I just didn't know how much I'd changed emotionally. I still get depressed and feel all crazy like, but it's different this time around. Sometimes I'm really glad I'm not 18 anymore. And I wonder how long it will take me to change and realize I've completely changed from who I am now. As much as I would like to change myself over night, I know all to well that this will not happen. But I just have to keep pushing along and do things one thing at a time. I try and take on the world all at once and then quit because I'm overwhelmed at all I want to fix or to be better at in life.
But the first thing I would like to do, is to finish that silly book I've been reading forever so I can return it to the library tomorrow (and pay my ridiculously large fines :) ). Time for my bed.1
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2 comments:
Thank heavens I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago (when the fam moved to MO). I think some of it has to do with growing up, and some of it has to do with realizing what choices bring true happiness. And some of it comes from not living in a place that you abhor ;)
Yeah, people always talk about the adolescent years as the time when people struggle to find their identity and they make it sound like once you're not a teenager anymore, that crisis is solved. But really it keeps going on for years and years. We keep evolving and moving forward and leaving things behind. And the older we get, the clearer picture we have of who we are and what we're meant to be and do in life, but it always changes. I'm happy with the progress I've made in the last several years, but I'm still fuzzy on a lot of things (not the really important things-more the how to spend my time type of things) and I think I'm past the point where the things I do will make me shudder in the future. I don't think people ever get to a point in their lives when absolutely everything clicks into place and all the mysteries are solved, but that's all right. It's all just a journey.
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